The Catholic Family Handbook by Rev. George Kelly

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 14: PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR MARRIAGE

IF YOUR child chooses marriage as his state in life, his mate will exert a tremendous effect upon both his eternal and his earthly happiness. In fact, your son's relationship with his wife and your daughter's relationship with her husband may be the decisive ones of their lives. And while parents today probably have less to say about whom their children marry than at any time in world history, you can do much to make your child's relationship a wholesome one.

Even before his first date with a girl, your son will develop a full set of impressions about the opposite sex. He will form attitudes from his experiences with his mother and sisters; from watching his father's treatment of women; and from many other sources. He may regard women as drudges, placed on earth merely to cater to the superior male. He may regard them as creatures whom men can never fully understand, and who should be tolerated at best. He may consider them to be God's fairest flowers, made to be treated with the utmost care, whose every whim must be satisfied. Regardless of what he thinks, his impressions will probably come from the experiences of his home. Your daughter also will regard the boys she meets in the light of her home experiences with her father and brothers. Whether she dominates or is dominated, whether she strives to appeal to males on the basis of her physical attraction, her intellect or her personality--these too will depend upon what she has learned about them in her own home.

As it does in so many other areas of life, your influence will exert a profound effect upon your child's attitudes concerning dating, courtship and marriage. The man who wrote the popular old song with the line, "I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad," revealed a remarkable insight into psychology, for every boy seeks in a girl those qualities he has known in his mother, and every girl seeks those qualities she has seen manifested in her father. This psychological fact helps to explain why happy marriage tend to go on from generation to generation, for statistics prove that a young person from a happy home has a better chance of entering a happy marriage than if his parents were divorced or separated. There is likewise a continuity of unhappy marriages: children of divorce are more likely to enter unions which will end unsatisfactorily. Therefore, although modern custom decrees that you should not interfere in your child's choice of a marriage partner, your influence over the selection, while subtle, will be significant indeed.

Not only by your example, but also by your teaching, you can vitally affect your child's attitudes toward the other sex, and toward dating, courtship and marriage generally--and all of these attitudes will, of course, affect his selection of a partner and his happiness in marriage itself. Some specific ways in which you can do this are described below.

Parties and dances. Many parents push their children into social activities before the youngsters themselves are interested. In the suburbs, one can observe mothers requiring their nine- and ten-year-old boys to study dancing and to attend parties with girls, when the boys themselves actually abhor the company of the other sex. Such parents wish their children to acquire social graces so that they will learn to feel at ease in mixed company. But the parents are like horticulturists who use artificial light or heat to force a plant to bloom before its normal time; the plant spends its blossoms before those which develop naturally are in bloom. Children who associate socially with the other sex at a prematurely early age tend to become engaged and to marry at a younger age than the average. So it is probably that they do not get to know more about the opposite sex; instead, they simply learn at an earlier age.

What is the right age for boys and girls to attend parties and dances? While parents must bow to some extent to the prevailing customs in their parish, normal children usually do not feel deprived if their social life does not start until they reach high school.

All parties and dances should be chaperoned. Adults need not be present in the room where the party takes place, but they should remain in the house where they can be inconspicuously alert to what is going on. Before a party begins, the boys and girls should be told that it will end precisely at a specified hour. A girl's parents should tell her escort what time they wish her to be home and he should accept the responsibility of obeying their instructions. In the chapter on teen- agers, there is described a typical teen-age code which specifies hours at which parties should end for various age groups.

Parents who sponsor parties for their youngsters should plan enough activities so that the guests will not become bored and resort to kissing games or other pastimes to create excitement. There should be an ample supply of records, suitable parlor game materials, and other diversions.

Cautions on dating. In our society, many boys and girls of high school age go out together on dates. Such occasional dating generally does not harm the moral or psychological development of the youngster. However, several important cautions should be observed.

When your youngsters begin to date, stress the importance of avoiding the kinds of dancing, kissing, and other contacts which might stimulate sexual desire and thus constitute an occasion of sin. In impressing their teen-agers with the fact that God has reserved intercourse for the married, many parents effectively cite other acts which are restricted only to those who may legitimately perform them. For example, although a seminarian learns how to say Mass and administer sacraments, he may not use his knowledge in a practical way until he is ordained. A medical student who has passed all his courses may not legitimately practice medicine until he has been officially licensed.

The most effective deterrent to premarital intercourse is a fear of God and a desire to enter marriage without profaning the organs He has provided for the sacred act of procreation. Other useful deterrents, in a secondary way, are appeals to chastity based on worldly reasons. For example, marriage counselors have found that young men and women who marry without having violated their chastity have a better chance of succeeding in marriage, because they have acquired the self-control which all husbands and wives must practice on many occasions. On the other hand, the young woman who has engaged in premarital relations often retains a sense of shame all her life.

Venereal disease often results from intercourse outside of marriage, and while new drugs have proved useful in treating syphilis and gonorrhea, these scourges are prevalent to a far greater extent than most people realize. In fact, venereal disease rates among teen-agers have shown a steady and shocking rise over the past several years. You should make your youngsters aware that such a loathsome disease may result from sinful intercourse. Girls should also be told of the stigma which attaches to unmarried mothers in the eyes of society. But do not make this point so forcefully that your daughter may come to consider the act of marriage itself, when indulged in lawfully, as a possible source of sin or shame.

Adolescents also have sufficient reasoning power to appreciate that children who might result from sex outside of marriage would lack mature parents to care for them. The thought that an innocent child might suffer all his life because a boy or girl lacks sufficient self- discipline to refrain from intercourse, is one which youngsters can use to strengthen their own will.

When boys and girls begin to date, mere warnings about moral and social dangers may not be sufficient. You should provide safeguards to eliminate or remove possible occasions of sin. Parents sometimes believe that youngsters who have received adequate instruction can always be depended upon to obey the moral law. Unfortunately, young men and women sometimes are completely unprepared for the powerful urge for sex fulfillment within them and are swept into sin from what they may think are innocent beginnings.

Older cultures, wise in the power of the sexual urge, adopted the custom of the chaperon--the adult who always accompanies young people on their dates. Modern usage has rendered the idea of the chaperon distasteful, but a need for supervision exists nevertheless. Try to prevent situations which enable a boy and girl to be alone together for any length of time. They should go out in groups, should not sit alone in parked cars, and should never be left alone together at home. Sometimes a girl who is baby-sitting seeks to invite a boy to visit her; such a practice should be strictly prohibited by both her parents and the couple who hire her.

Another important rule is that there should be no drinking of alcoholic beverages on any date. A generation ago, young Catholic men and women often took a pledge to abstain from alcohol until their twenty-first birthdays. Such a custom if practiced today would save many souls, help avoid many sins and prevent much heartbreak.

Many youngsters drink on dates because they think it is smart. They are unaware of the tremendous damage that drinking can do. At the very least, it provides a stimulation which they do not need; if they need alcohol to enjoy each other's company during their youth, one shudders to think what they will find necessary in middle age. It is physically dangerous, especially when a car is used. Accident statistics confirm that most fatal accidents at night involve drivers who have been drinking. Finally, and most dangerously, it deadens the conscience and releases inhibitions. The boy and girl who drink on dates lose control over their wills and may fall more easily before the impulse to passion which constantly lurks beneath the surface.

The importance of modesty in dress. When your son and daughter begin to date, they will almost certainly be exposed to influences which encourage immodest dress. Such influences are almost unavoidable in today's world. Actresses on television and in motion pictures appear in garments designed to reveal every contour of their bodies. Newspapers publish pictures of semi-clad women and discuss them in admiring language. On the beaches and athletic grounds, contestants almost invariably wear a minimum of apparel.

When the young girl observes that the scantily clad woman seemingly evokes the greatest admiration, it is perhaps natural for her to want to dress in a similarly daring way. She should be taught the truth that men do not want their own loved ones to appear in public in this fashion. Moreover, the immodestly dressed girl who attracts the attention of males usually soon discovers that their interest is entirely selfish and that they lack respect for her as a person. It is the girl who dresses and acts becomingly, and who is attractive in a pleasant and unoffensive way, who wins lasting respect and affection. Your daughter will form a true judgment as to where the lasting values lie if she realizes that the so-called "glamour girls"--those who appear in public in revealing costumes--usually are failures as women. Their record of divorces proves this fact.

Many girls also must be told that their daring dress might be an occasion of sin to boys. They should know that boys naturally are more excitable, and may harbor sinful thoughts at the sight of an improperly dressed girl. This point is discussed in greater detail in Chapter 6.

Boys also can commit offenses against modesty in dress. A present fashion among adolescents--the practice of wearing trousers that are too tight and emphasize the contours of the body--may be an occasion of evil thoughts by girls.

Does the Church's continued warnings against immodest dress mean that she expects men and women to dress somberly and without attractiveness? Not at all. For as Monsignor Lawrence B. Casey has pointed out, "the magazine "Vogue" is not on the index of forbidden books."

A young girl need not walk about with stringy hair, a plain, pale face, or in the clothing of a widow; she can make herself attractive, using appropriate cosmetic aids and colorful fabrics. Above all, if she has a smiling, friendly disposition, it will be reflected in her appearance, and will make her more attractive than any product from the beautician's laboratory.

For modern dress, these standards may be a helpful guide: Dresses should fully cover the upper arm, shoulders, bust, chest and midriff. They should have sleeves extending at least halfway between the shoulder and elbow. If they have leaves, nets, or other transparent material, there should be full cloth coverage beneath. Skirts should extend to below the knees, and dresses should conceal the outline of the breasts and other parts of the body.

Going steady. One of the most disturbing trends of postwar America is the sharp lowering of the age at which boys and girls pair off and begin to go steady. This phenomenon has been observed by educators and social scientists throughout the country. For instance, the idea of a boy in the seventh grade in elementary school taking the same girl to a movie each week, and returning home at 11 P.M. each time, has become commonplace in many sections. Many high school freshmen and sophomores date steadily, which means that they do not feel free to attend any social events without their "partner." And many juniors and seniors are virtually, if not actually, engaged; at the age of sixteen or seventeen, they have apparently already chosen their life mates.

The Church has always maintained that a male and female should not deliberately confine their companionship to a single member of the opposite sex--to go steady, in today's language--unless they are prepared to marry within the very near future. This means that a young man and woman should not begin to keep company if they will not be reasonably able to marry and maintain a home within about two years. Obviously, in our society which requires extensive schooling to fulfill the normal responsibilities of men and women, the boy and girl of high school age cannot hope to marry successfully within any such period of time.

Some parents of teen-agers apparently find it difficult to understand why priests object so firmly to early dating and going steady. The fact is that from their vast experience, priests know that early dating often leads to serious sins of impurity, teen-age pregnancies and illegitimate births, and to teen-age marriages which have scant hope of success.

Scores of researchers who have interviewed teen-agers who go steady report that such youngsters increasingly believe that they are entitled to take sinful liberties with their boy friends or girl friends. For example, Eugene Gilbert, a specialist in studying the habits and opinions of adolescents, made a survey of 5,000 high school students for "This Week" magazine. He asked the pupils how far they thought a boy and girl who went steady could go in intimate contact with each other. Only one teen-ager in ten thought that such a couple should do no more than kiss. Another one in ten thought that "light necking" should be permitted, while two in ten thought that petting would be allowable. The most shocking fact was that six teen-agers in ten thought that the boy and girl who went steady should be permitted to engage in "anything they want." In a newspaper poll, fifty teen-age girls were asked if they petted on dates. Thirty-six replied in the affirmative, most of them adding that "everyone else does."

The consequences of such beliefs are what one might expect. In November 1958, the "Ladies Home Journal" quoted a high school educator as saying, "many of our high school girls get married because they have to get married, and an equal number of girls in school get pregnant every year but don't get married--they just disappear for a semester and then come back without any baby. Another high school principal reported. "We had so many marriages this last year that I can't even keep track of them. Students start going steady when they're thirteen and during high school most of the girls are wearing a boy's ring on a necklace. If they aren't officially engaged by the end of their senior year, they think their life's ruined."

Largely as a result of the growing practice of going steady in the teen years, the average age at which Americans marry has become lower and lower. In 1900, the average American bride was twenty-two; in 1957, she was twenty, and one bride in three was nineteen or younger. About 300,000 boys and girls under eighteen in the United States are now married. With rare exceptions, those who enter such early marriages are ill-equipped emotionally and intellectually to accept the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood; usually the bride soon runs home to her mother and the bridegroom runs home to his. If there are children, the likelihood that the father will desert his family to evade the responsibilities is greater than in any other age group.

In a significant study made by Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College, it was found that more than half of all broken marriages occurred when the couples were in a hurry. They started going together when they were too young, they were too impetuous to investigate the qualities of their prospective mates, or they married at an earlier age than the average.

Parents who permit--or worse, encourage--their teen-agers to go steady allow them to be harmed in many other ways. Few young men realize how terribly their whole future as a bread-winner and provider is being affected by a serious romantic attachment at an early age. By going steady, a boy and girl lose the common enjoyment of adolescence of doing things with a crowd. Through being tied down continually by one person, a youngster loses the opportunity to meet others of the opposite sex and to learn how to be congenial with them. Going steady also tends to discourage the development of gracious, pleasant habits. The boy and girl usually take each other for granted, and do not feel that they need extend themselves, make sacrifices or practice their best behavior in each other's company. Some girls prefer going steady so that they always will have an escort at social affairs. But when a teen-age girl places such a premium upon security, she becomes completely dependent upon her boy friend. It is not unlikely that he will recognize his position of superiority and demand that she "give in to him" lest he form an attachment elsewhere.

Kinds of men and women to avoid. Researchers have devoted much time to studies of thousands of marriage failures, and their findings confirm the observations and experiences of priests and other authorities that certain types of men and women are extremely bad risks in marriage. Young Catholic men and women endanger not only their chances for earthly happiness but also the salvation of their souls by associating with such types, with marriage as an immediate or remote prospect. These types are:

1. Persons who are now married. Of course, Catholics may not wed anyone now validly married in the eyes of the Church, for a valid marriage is for life. However, occasionally doubt exists as to whether a marriage is valid, and the man or woman involved may hope to contract a valid union when the previous one is annulled. In the vast majority of cases, such hopes are unrealistic, for of every hundred annulments that are sought, only about two are granted. Moreover, annulment cases often take years to decide. Often, when an annulment is denied, the person who sought it unsuccessfully resorts to marriage outside the Church-- and if your child is his partner, the two together may lose their souls.

2. Non-Catholics and indifferent Catholics. The hazards of mixed marriages are becoming so great in this country that the entire next chapter is devoted to the problem. But simply because a prospective husband or wife professes to be a Catholic is no guarantee that he or she is a good marital risk. You should tell your son or daughter to avoid those who are Catholics in name only, who adopt a disrespectful tone toward their religion, who scorn the virtues of chastity and modesty, and who indicate a desire to practice birth control. Such persons will threaten the spiritual growth of their mates. And, as we have seen, the lack of a strong religious sense characterizes those homes that are beset by tension in many other areas of activity.

You should also advise your son or daughter to beware of the following types: the man or woman who drinks or gambles to excess (those habits usually grow rather than decrease after marriage, and if they are not stopped at courtship the chance that they will ever be curbed is remote); the man or woman who is overly ambitious and determined to achieve a higher social position regardless of its cost (such persons may throw over all worth-while ideals and emotional values in their passion for success); and the man or woman with a hardness of character (if he or she lacks a spirit of compromise and of charity and kindness toward others, beware!).

3. The emotionally immature and those who show no willingness to accept responsibility. One wise priest, after observing thousands of marriages, remarked that he can see hope for any type of troubled union save one--and that is the one in which the husband or wife refuses to accept the responsibilities of the marriage state. The girl who has had everything done for her and who--through her physical beauty--has discovered that she may need neither brains nor a pleasant personality to attract men, is typically the type who whines over the difficulties of childbearing, child-rearing and the normal tasks of running a home. Likewise, the man who moves from job to job every few months and who habitually seeks help from his doting mother and father whenever he gets into debt, is a type seen often in the divorce courts--or sought throughout the country for having deserted his family in their time of need.

Impediments to valid marriages. In rare cases, impediments exist which make a valid marriage impossible. The most common impediments today are insufficient age (to be validly married, a male must have completed his sixteenth year and a female her fourteenth); consanguinity (persons closely related by blood--for example, first and second cousins); spiritual relationship (a godparent cannot marry his godchild, nor can the person who baptizes marry the one baptized); impotence (a marriage is invalid if, at the time of the ceremony, one of the parties was permanently incapable of performing the sexual act); and want of the use of reason (for instance, one who is insane, drunk, drugged or hypnotized is incapable of marrying, since free will is lacking at the time the ceremony is performed). Occasionally, and for good reasons, the Pope may dispense from certain impediments.

Qualities to seek in a mate. Encourage your offspring to consider carefully the qualities a person needs to perform the responsibilities of marriage properly. Any serious thought will convince the normal intelligent youngster that many of the popular standards for choosing a mate lack intrinsic merit. For instance, contrary to what movie and television plays suggest, the ideal husband is not the wisecracking playboy who is tall, handsome and a smooth dancer. Nor is the ideal wife necessarily the one with the most beautiful face and most curvaceous figure. The fact is that the husband or wife who contributes most to the happiness of a marriage need not have physical beauty at all. While it is true that a man and woman should feel physically attracted toward each other, the qualities that produce a lasting, loving relationship are those of the soul and heart rather than of the body.

If you would have your children make a good choice in marriage, encourage them to look for a sense of unselfishness in their prospective partner--a willingness to deny self, if need be, in order to serve others. Encourage them to look for a deep and abiding religious sense, for trust in Almighty God will enable them--and their partners--to surmount the difficulties, trials and disappointments which will inevitably come their way. The ideal marriage partner is courteous, kind and considerate; he is mature enough to recognize and accept responsibilities without complaining; realistic enough to know that compromises are necessary to make any marriage succeed, and humble enough to know that he must make his share.

Young men and women of earlier generations had an advantage over modern youngsters because they usually could observe their prospective partners in everyday work situations. Because the average man worked near his home, and generally married a woman who also lived nearby, she often could see how he went about his everyday job, accepted responsibilities and behaved when confronted by the serious functions of living--how, in brief, he acted in a role like the one he would play as a husband. And since the unmarried woman of an earlier day worked about the house caring for the younger children and doing similar home- making tasks, her prospective husband could observe how she might act as a wife.

Today, however, young men and women know each other almost solely as recreational partners. They attend movies or dances on dates, and their major interest is having good times together. But the woman who chooses a husband solely on the way he acts on dates may face a lifetime of disappointments. The "Good-time Charlie" of courtship days may remain that way after marriage, and the wife who needs his wages to pay for the baby's milk may discover that he has spent them having fun. Likewise, "Midnight Mary," who is always the last one to leave the party, may not seem quite so glamorous to her husband when he must make the children's breakfast because she is too tired to do so.

The serious purposes of courtship. Instead of being a time for heedless pleasure, courtship should be one of the most serious periods in life. It should be a time of discovery, employed to gain insights into the personality of the prospective mate. Now is the time when the girl should learn whether her prospective husband is closely tied to a mother's apron strings or is so wrapped up in himself that his ego must be fed constantly.

The prospective husband and wife should seriously discuss their attitudes toward parenthood. As we noted in Chapter 2, those marriages are happiest in which husband and wife are united in their interest in the home, and it has been demonstrated in many different ways that the man and woman who desire children generally make the best partners. Other discussions should center around each person's conception of his or her future role. These discussions will be most revealing; a man usually will seek in his wife those qualities which his mother possesses, and she will seek in her husband the qualities of her father. For this reason, the man and woman from similar backgrounds-- those whose parents have essentially the same attitudes toward religion and children--have the best chance of succeeding in marriage.

How long should engagements be? Ideally, a man and woman should not agree to marry unless they can do so within two years at most. This period should provide ample time for them to learn more about each other and to discuss religious values and their concepts of other phases of life. Longer engagements are inadvisable for several reasons. The man and woman may take each other for granted and some of the bloom may fall from their romance. The longer the courtship lasts, the greater is the danger of premarital intercourse or other sexual excesses. Finally, the engagement that drags on often becomes a way of life in itself. Many a spinster at thirty became engaged at twenty but made life so attractive for her fiance that he never saw the point of legalizing the relationship.

The question of "rights" often arises when two young people are engaged. The simple fact is that they have none: the marital act, together with the preliminaries normally considered to be a part of it, is reserved for marriage. As a practical matter, an engaged man and woman should intensify their chastity, rather than diminish it. They are about to enter a holy state and their regard for its sacramental nature--and the privileges of both sexual communion and of procreating children which it involves--should inspire them to retain the greatest purity in their relationship with each other.

Preparations for marriage. Let your children decide the details of their own wedding. One often meets a young bride who would prefer a quiet church wedding, followed by a simple reception for relatives and close friends. But her parents are determined to make this event a showcase for their prosperity. Often they hire an expensive hall and invite scores of persons whom the bride and bridegroom will never see again. Thousands of dollars may be spent in this way, and the young couple may then be required to endure severe sacrifices to save a similar amount for a down payment on a home.

Parents should make sure, however, that all regulations of the Church are complied with. The prospective bride and groom should visit the bride's pastor to make arrangements as soon as the engagement is effective. Church law states that the ceremony should be performed in the Church of the bride and that a priest and two other witnesses are normally required to make it valid. When the prospective bride and the bridegroom are Catholics, the banns of marriage must be proclaimed in the churches of both on three successive Sundays, so that anyone knowing a reason why they should not be permitted to marry may make his objection known. For good reasons, these rules may be suspended.

Catholics should be married at a nuptial Mass, which can be celebrated at any time of the year. However, the solemn nuptial blessing cannot be given during Advent or Lent.

After your son or daughter becomes engaged, firmly encourage him or her to attend a Pre-Cana Conference. Pre-Cana is the most immediate preparation for marriage which the Church has to offer. Its purpose is to impart to the couple those attitudes and points of information which are crucial to the successful launching of a Christian marriage. Priests, medical doctors, and married couples put themselves at the disposal of the young unmarried tyros.

Within months of the marriage the engaged man and woman are brought face to face with the realities of family life. Parenthood, the roles of husband and wife, the sex differences of the couples, even such ordinary experiences as paying the bills, are discussed frankly and wisely from a variety of view points. And because the couples themselves participate by their own questions and answers, many initial doubts and troubles that plague young marriages are eliminated before they can cause harm.