The Catholic Family Handbook by Rev. George Kelly

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THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 4: YOUR CHILD'S MORAL TRAINING

IN NO other aspect of your child's upbringing will your example exert such a powerful force as in his moral training. For your words to your child are meaningless unless your own actions confirm them. A mother teaches her son to say morning and night prayers, but she says neither. He is only seven years old, but already he questions why prayer is necessary for him but not for adults. One need not be a prophet to realize that he will stop praying as soon as he can. A father teaches that it is wrong to use the Lord's name in vain; but whenever things go wrong around the house, he spews forth profanity. His son likewise swears at every chance he gets. A father tells his children that they must respect authority, but he belittles his own employers, criticizes elected officials of the country in the most insulting ways, and makes sneering remarks about priests and his boys' teachers. And he cannot understand why his sons get into trouble for disobeying school regulations.

If you could examine records of families from generation to generation, you would see undisputed proof of the priceless power of example. In one family, a man now eighty learned from his father's example that men went to church only for baptisms, weddings, and funerals. The man tried to teach his own son to attend Mass as required by Church law, but neglected to do so himself. His son followed his example--not his teaching--and his grandson now also does likewise. More than a hundred years ago, a merchant made a fortune by cheating townspeople who shopped at his store. His grandson is a "respectable businessman," but he too believes that chicanery is justifiable if it makes money. On the other hand, men and women who are long dead but who lived holy lives have left a heritage that lives on in the sanctity of their children's children.

Therefore, if you would help your child to achieve his true purpose-- the living of his life in accordance with the will of God so that he may save his soul, and if you would see your good influence continue for untold future generations, provide an example that gives the holy guidance he needs.

Your child's spiritual training. A mother once asked her pastor when she should begin teaching her five-year-old about God. The pastor replied that she was already five years late. What he meant, of course, was that your child's religious training should begin almost as soon as he is born. As Sister Mary de Lourdes states so beautifully in her guide for mothers, "Baby Grows in Age and Grace," the child held in the arms of a confident and competent mother and who is surrounded by the happiness of a good Christian family has a natural start for the spiritual life.

At seven to ten months, a baby begins to listen to sounds intently. He does not know what words mean, but he gets an impression from the tone of your voice, your facial expressions, and your gestures. It is not too soon to begin teaching him a prayer. Such a prayer should be as simple as possible, and preferably repetitive--with the same sounds repeated over and over. Sister de Lourdes cites this one:

Thank you, God, for Jimmy, Thank you for Jimmy's bread, Thank you for Jimmy's smile, Bless Jimmy in his bed.

As soon as your child can speak in syllables, you can teach him simple prayers. For example, carry him to a painting or statue depicting the Baby Jesus in His Blessed Mother's arms, and point out to him that the Infant Savior also had a mother who loved Him. Before he reaches his first year, he may be able to enunciate the name of Jesus. He can be encouraged to say good night to the Savior of the painting or statue. When the family eats together, the baby in his high chair will observe that grace is said before and after meals. He will join in the prayers automatically as soon as he is able.

Pictures have a powerful appeal for the one-year-old and two-year-old. You can encourage his interest in religion by showing him paintings of great events in the life of Our Lord. You will find him an interested viewer and listener if you show him pictures of Baby Jesus, and the Holy Family, and of Biblical incidents. He will also be a rapt listener as you narrate the stories which the pictures illustrate. At Christmas time especially, you can impress upon him that this great feast commemorates the birth of the Infant Savior: your telling of the Christmas story can begin to implant a reverence for this great feast that will last throughout his life.

In his third year, your child will probably be ready to learn about the creation by God of the world and everything in it. You will have opportunities to teach him as a matter of course that God made the flowers, the trees, the dog whose back he pats, and every other thing that he sees about him. Express your own appreciation for God's many gifts--the beautiful flowers, the lovely sunset, the water you drink, the food you eat. In this way, he too will recognize that God is a loving Father to Whom we owe gratitude for all things.

By the time he is three, he should be sufficiently advanced mentally to begin practicing simple acts of self-denial. If he is given a piece of candy before dinner, he will probably understand if he is told that he must not eat it until after his meal. This is his first realization that satisfaction of present desires must often be deferred for our own good.

At the age of four, he should be ready to take a more active part in family prayers. In some families, father, mother and children pray together in the evening before the first child goes to bed. His attendance at night prayers will impress the importance of this devotion upon him and enable him to learn the words sooner than he perhaps would ordinarily. Four-year-olds usually do not have a long attention span, however, and the average child may become distracted after a few minutes. The night prayers in which he joins may be kept short at first and gradually lengthened as he grows older.

At this time, your child is old enough to understand certain moral principles: that he must obey his parents because God wishes him to do so; and that lying, stealing and disobedience are not in accordance with God's will. You can teach these principles by giving him the image of God as his Eternal Father. If he has a loving trust in his own father, he will not find it difficult to visualize God as the loving Father of all mankind. He is also ready to learn of his Guardian Angel; many childish fears can be removed if he knows that his Guardian Angel always watches over him, and he will feel secure in new experiences when he knows that he has a protector.

From ages four to six, you can intensify in many different ways the moral training you began earlier. Through family prayer and other devotions, when you read to him, and through little talks when you perform his daily routines with him, you can inculcate the great truths of our religion. In particular, do not overlook opportunities to instill high ideals through reading. Many excellent books recount Bible stories in attractive pictures and text and they stress vividly the importance of practicing virtue in our lives. For example, the story of Adam and Eve can be a means of teaching him why he must obey God and his earthly parents. The story of Abraham may teach him that we must be ready to sacrifice all we possess if God requires it. From the parable told by Jesus of the widow's mite, he can learn that we must always show our gratitude to God; from the parable of the talents, that we must always do our best for His glory.

Many devotions and religious observances can now be made an intimate part of your child's daily life. In Chapter 16, devoted to religious observances in the home, you will find many suggestions to help you make the love of God the greatest fact in your child s existence.

Our Lord taught that the love of God is the first and greatest commandment, but He also said that a second commandment was like it-- the commandment that we must love our neighbor as ourself. You probably can best teach this commandment by example. More powerful than your words will be your courteous attitude toward those who visit your home; toward peoples of other races and creeds; toward those less privileged in a spiritual or material sense than yourself. Christ's teaching that all men are brothers under the Fatherhood of God will have greater meaning for your child if he notices that you always treat others with respect.

Before your child is seven, you will probably notice the formation of his conscience. He may show by expressions of guilt or shame when he has done wrong. This development of conscience indicates that you now can appeal to him more and more on the grounds of reason, rather than on the weight of your authority. The seven-year-old normally is sufficiently developed to take responsibility before God for his actions. By the orderly and constructive training you have provided, he should be able to recite his morning and night prayers; he should know the important laws of God and Church--the necessity to attend Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation and of abstaining from meat on Friday, for example; and he should be ready to begin preparations for his First Communion.

Obviously, your child's moral training at home does not stop when he enters parochial school. Rather, it continues throughout his lifetime. In the remaining chapters of this book you will find many suggestions to help you meet his continued needs for spiritual guidance. Specific problems you may encounter in his various stages are discussed below.

Early sex experimentation. A child cannot commit sin until he reaches the age of reason. It follows that no moral guilt is associated with his early sex experimentation. Some parents might mistakenly regard as masturbation a baby's holding of his sex organ, but it is as natural for him to display this interest as it is for him to examine his hands, feet or other parts of his body. He may experience pleasure when he touches his genitals, but this act has no greater moral significance than has sucking his fingers.

The normal child generally discontinues his sex experimentation when he finds other interests--and you can help him do so by giving him rattles to hold or toys to play with. However, if he continues to touch his genitals habitually after he begins to walk, he may be developing a pattern which will make masturbation more difficult to resist in later years. You should gently and casually remove his hands each time you see him doing so. It is best to discourage this conduct in a matter-of- fact way, much as you might prevent him from picking his nose. Do not overemphasize its importance; otherwise you may accentuate his interest instead of changing it.

Sometimes two- and three-year-olds display a curiosity about the organs of the other sex. This interest also is natural and no evil intent is involved, but it is not proper and should not be permitted. Likewise, the little girl who lifts her dress in company is not guilty of any moral wrong, but she should be told not to do it. By the time boys and girls are about three years old, their training in modesty should begin. They should learn that certain parts of the body must not be exposed before anyone except their parents.

A young child usually can be easily trained to be modest if his mother will tell him in a calm, unemotional way what is expected of him. Much difficulty with children in this regard results from the inability or unwillingness of parents to discuss the process of elimination without a sense of shame, and without giving it an undue importance in the child's mind.

Sex experimentation usually ceases well before the child reaches the age of reason, and sex does not emerge as a serious problem in his development until adolescence. If your child continues to touch his genitals habitually after the age of six or seven, perhaps he seeks the pleasure which he derives from the action to compensate for some sense of insecurity. If your efforts to stop the practice fail, you should discuss his case with a doctor.

Lying and stealing. Minor transgressions can be expected of every pre- school child; if nothing more, they indicate his desire to learn exactly what penalty will be imposed if he violates your rules. The three- or four-year-old probably cannot understand that all of us must obey God's laws. Later, of course, he must be taught that lying and stealing are sins because they violate that law.

It takes a wise parent to understand the difference between a young child's imagination and his lying. When children learn that speech has the power to affect others, they often make up stories simply to notice the effect upon adults. In such cases, you probably need not do any more than indicate your mild disbelief. Untruths affecting others are a different matter, however. If your child lies deliberately about a serious matter, you should point out to him that his action is sinful; that it harms those about whom he lies; and that it harms him by causing people to lose confidence in him.

The best way to discourage lying is to encourage truthfulness. The child who admits the truth and is willing to face the consequences of his actions displays a fine sense of maturity and deserves to be complimented for it. But do not carry your commendation for truthfulness to extremes, as though it were a novelty. Whenever one little boy did something wrong, he ran to his father and confessed. The father invariably praised him for his honesty and neglected to punish him for his actions "because he told the truth." The youngster, now sixteen, is the most truthful boy in town--and the greatest mischief- maker. He firmly believes that simply telling the truth absolves him of all blame for his conduct.

Children also do a certain amount of stealing. Vinnie, three years old, sees a toy which Billy is playing with and takes it as soon as he can so that he too may enjoy it. He is simply doing what comes naturally; he wants the toy and sees no reason why he should not have it. Obviously, he commits no sin. He must be taught in a calm way, however, that he must not take things which do not belong to him.

You can strengthen your child's resistance against the impulse to steal by strengthening his own sense of possessiveness. If you treat his possessions with respect, making it plain to him that you would not use them without his permission, you make it easier for him to comprehend his obligations to others.

Probably all children pass through a "stealing" stage during which you can impress upon them the importance of not taking what belongs to others. This tendency to pilfer others' possessions usually decreases and ceases to be a source of difficulty by the time the child is seven. If he continues to steal after that, it may indicate that some of his strong and legitimate desires are not satisfied. For instance, the parents of a ten-year-old boy habitually compared him unfavorably with others of his age. He had a compelling urge to show that he was their superior, and he began to steal watches and other jewelry and to flaunt them before his classmates as presents he had received from his rich, admiring relatives. Other youngsters may steal to relieve their boredom: boys who raid a fruitstand may simply crave excitement. If your child steals after he has reached the age of reason and is morally responsible for his actions, do not minimize the fact that he has sinned; but also seek to determine whether any psychological reason may have been important in causing him to act as he does. A child should always be required to pay for objects he has stolen, even if he must work on Saturdays or forgo his allowance for months to do so.

What about "dirty words"? It may surprise some parents that the use of what are commonly referred to as "dirty words" generally does not involve any moral problem. It is a sin only when the name of the Lord is taken in vain.

Most words which are offensive in our society have respectable origins and have become objectionable only through usage. If your child returns home and uses gutter terms which usually consist of four letters, he probably is merely experimenting to learn what effect his use of them will have upon you. More often than not, he lacks even a vague idea of what they mean. When and if he uses such words, firmly point out that the expressions are not tolerated in polite society. As with his genital experiments, his experiments with "dirty words" will probably end more quickly if you do not attach undue importance to them.

Blasphemous use of the name of God the Father, or Jesus Christ, or of the saints must not be permitted, of course. If your child uses blasphemous expressions in your presence, he probably has heard adults use them and considers them suitable, or he is bringing them home as an experiment. You should tell him that our love of God must be so strong, and our gratitude for His goodness so great, that we must never use His name in any but the most respectful way. A child should be punished if he continues to take the Lord's name in vain after you have explained why he should not do so, for reverence for God must be the cornerstone of our religious belief and practice. Without it, true Christian lives will be difficult to achieve.

If, in spite of punishment such as the deprivation of privileges, your child persists in blaspheming God, look to his environment. It is almost certain that he is in contact with an adult who blasphemes as a matter of habit. If you cannot remove your child from this influence, ask the offending adult to stop his habit because he is exerting an extremely harmful influence upon your child.

Don't stress sin too much. In giving your child the moral training he needs, avoid the extreme of referring to all of his transgressions in terms of how they will affect his relations with God. It is true that parents must never encourage children to be lax about moral matters, for a sin is always hateful in the eyes of God. Nevertheless, some parents--fortunately a very tiny minority--use their child's religious sense as a weapon to force him to do things which should not normally be expected of him. A mother discovered that she could get her daughter to comply instantly with her commands if she accused her of "sinful disobedience" for failing to do so. Soon the mother had a means at her disposal to force the child to do excessive amounts of housework. As a result, the girl grew up lacking respect for authority and with a scornful attitude toward all the commandments.

When parents constantly thunder about sin, their children may develop an abnormal fear of God, viewing Him as a judge who will thrash them for the slightest offense. Such children may come to lose their trust in God's mercy--a trust they will need in later life to meet the crosses which will inevitably be theirs to bear.

In his book "Your Child's World," Dr. Odenwald describes a nine-year- old patient who had become so terrified of the dark that he had extreme difficulty in sleeping. "This boy feared that because of his sins-- really not sins at all but rather the normal actions of a boy his age-- he would be severely punished by the Almighty," Dr. Odenwald writes. "Another boy reached the point where he confessed his sins to the priest on Saturday, but felt unworthy to receive Communion on Sunday because he might have offended God unwittingly by committing some mild offense. A five-year-old girl, who was attending a Sunday School, was so impressed by a sermon on hell and damnation that she could not get it out of her mind. Because of her one-sided introduction to the idea of punishment for sins, she displayed psychotic tendencies even at this early stage."

Attitudes on confession. Most Catholic parents fully respect their child's right to privacy in regard to confession. Of course, you should not question him about what he told the priest, or what the priest told him. To do so would be depriving him of the right to privacy in confessional matters which is his. His decision to receive or not receive the sacraments of Penance and the Holy Eucharist also must be his to make.

While you must stand guard over your child's spiritual welfare, never place him in a position where his failure to confess or receive Communion will make him conspicuous. The reason for this warning is that a child who is unworthy to receive Communion or fears to confess his sins may be tempted to partake of the Holy Eucharist sacrilegiously if his failure to receive will make him stand out in the crowd. Before the rule for the Eucharistic Fast was relaxed, a person who did not wish to receive Communion might create an excuse by saying that he had inadvertently swallowed water. Since beverages one hour before Communion are now permitted, and water is permitted at any time, such an excuse is no longer valid. The person who does not wish to receive may find it more difficult to hide the fact that he may not be in a state of grace. Be doubly cautious, therefore, that you do not use pressure upon your child so that he receives unworthily to hide the existence of another sin.

Parents should be alert for opportunities to suggest the reception of Penance and the Holy Eucharist, however. If a child consistently resists the sacraments, they may fairly assume that he is troubled by some moral problem. Without mentioning the matter directly, a parent might tell him anew that God will forgive any sin and that any problems brought to the priest in the confessional will receive sympathetic consideration. Children may need to be reassured that they have nothing to fear in confessing their sins and that their secrets will be kept from all mankind. If your own attempts to encourage your child to frequent the sacraments prove unsuccessful, you should discuss the subject with your pastor.

When children doubt religious truths. While your children are in elementary school, they probably will accept without question what you teach about religion and morality. For example, the nine-year-old will accept your explanation of why he must abstain from meat on Friday, and will not question whether these regulations are entirely proper or within the jurisdiction of the Church to make. He will accept, without doubting their truth, the Old Testament stories of the Tower of Babel, of Jonah, of Noah's Ark, and others. When he reaches adolescence, however, you may be shocked at a change which may come over him. He may now be aware that other people do not believe as we do, that some deny the existence of God, others do not accept the trueness of the Church or the divinity of Our Lord, and still others doubt the truth of many incidents recounted in the Old Testament. Your child may quote these nonbelievers in questioning you about Catholic doctrines. Sometimes he may even give the impression that he fully accepts their errors.

It is probably unwise to betray suspicion that he is losing his faith simply because he sharply questions Church teaching. In order to understand completely why the Church holds as she does on matters of faith and morals, every adult must understand the basic principles upon which the doctrines rest. Only by examining various arguments for the Church's position can a young person truly appreciate that her teachings are based upon historical and logical truths.

Some parents show visible annoyance when their children question various Church doctrines. This reaction often results from the fact that the parent lacks enough knowledge to refute the adolescent's arguments. Obviously, the Church would be in a sad position if she could not stand up against questions raised by teen-agers. The facts are that Church teaching is supported upon a bedrock of logic and that many of the foremost thinkers throughout history have found her doctrines unassailable. Therefore if you yourself cannot cope with your adolescent's arguments, you can refer him to Catholic books, literature, and other sources of information.

Do not expect your child to accept a religious teaching simply and solely because the Church says it is so. As an individual with a growing intellectual capacity of his own, he has a legitimate right to know why the Church maintains a certain position. When helped in a friendly way to understand that position, he will become a stronger Catholic as a result.

Masturbation and homosexuality. Two serious practices--masturbation and homosexuality--may have their roots in childhood. The former is more common, and it has been said that most adolescent boys engage in it at some time. The latter practice is probably more serious from a pathological and sociological point of view, and is much more prevalent than most people imagine.

By the time your child reaches the age of puberty (about eleven or twelve years) you should have taught him that it is sinful to seek sexual pleasure outside of marriage. It probably does little good--and may do psychological harm--to warn him that masturbation will cause serious permanent damage to his body. In an older day, youngsters were usually told that this practice brought on impotence or insanity, and some became highly neurotic and guilt-ridden when they found themselves habitually unable to resist temptation. Moreover, there is no basis in fact for the old beliefs.

You will help your child resist the inevitable temptations he will face as an adolescent if you train him to practice self-denial in other things throughout his childhood. For example, one who has learned to give up pleasures during Lent--such as candy, movies or a favorite food--will come to understand that he must often resist the urge for pleasure in order to achieve a greater spiritual good. Keep a careful check over influences which may lead him astray--movies or television programs with provocative scenes, books or magazines which may stimulate passion. Encourage him to get his full quota of physical exercise; sports give him a fine outlet for energies which might otherwise be expressed in harmful ways. Above all, build up his idealism. Encourage him to read the biographies of great heroes and to emulate them; youngsters can be inspired to far greater deeds of heroic virtue than most parents realize. Always remember that chastity results only when the will is superior to the flesh, and that this superiority is not a thing apart. If the supremacy of the will is to be maintained during your child's adolescence, he must strengthen it by self-denial during his earlier years.

Homosexuality in boys is becoming increasingly prevalent, and some authorities estimate that one American man in twenty-five is a homosexual. With their increasing knowledge of the roots of this condition, psychiatrists now believe that it is primarily a psychological trouble, and that it often originates in childhood. Specific causes are not known, but homosexuality in males seems to occur more often when the mother is the dominant parent and when the father is absent for long periods or is unduly harsh and brutal toward his son. As a result of experiences and impressions developed over a long period, the child subconsciously concludes that a woman's life is more desirable than that of a man. A girl may develop tendencies toward homosexuality if she is unable to achieve satisfactory relationships with the opposite sex during her childhood. She subconsciously shrinks from fulfilling her role as a woman.

Parents who provide a normal home life need not fear that their children will become homosexuals. A boy should have a strong masculine figure, preferably his father, from whom he can learn how to act as a man and whom he can admire for his masculine traits. He should also have a mother--or a substitute for her--whom he can love; his experience will give him confidence as an adult to enter a loving relationship with a woman. He should be encouraged to enjoy the normal games and sports of boyhood. The mere fact that he prefers quiet activities by himself--likes to read or collect stamps, for instance-- does not imply that he is a "sissy." But if he prefers to play with girls when boys normally "can't stand them"--a common condition from the ages eight to eleven--and if he prefers other strongly feminine activities such as playing with dolls, psychologists say that his parents should examine his development more closely.

Girls also need a mother or suitable substitute from whom they can learn how to act when they grow up. If her mother is absent and her father is the sole influence, she may develop strong masculine traits; if, in addition, he does not treat her in a loving way, she may reach adulthood unable to express love for any man. Simply because she enjoys rough sports does not mean that she is developing homosexual tendencies. But if this characteristic is combined with others, it may indicate a strong leaning toward masculinity in her development and should alert her parents to possible danger. When conditions of this type are suspected, parents should hasten to a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist for treatment.

From a moral viewpoint, an effeminate boy or masculine girl does not sin unless he or she commits acts of impurity. It is therefore most unfair to assume that a boy with strong feminine characteristics is necessarily homosexual. In fact, he may be leading a life of heroic virtue in struggling against impulses which developed throughout his earliest years. It is likely, however, that his conditioning will prevent him from achieving the fullest measure of harmony and love in marriage.

One final warning: Even though every homosexual is probably psychologically predisposed to such conduct by any one of the factors mentioned, the growing amount of homosexuality in our society is probably due to other factors as well. For one thing, a vocal minority of our literati encourage the point of view that there is nothing abnormal or unnatural about sexual pleasure enjoyed by members of the same sex. Parents, therefore, where homosexual tendencies are suspected, must forthrightly give the child thorough and correct sex education. More important, perhaps, is their need of supervising their child's companions. It is the writer's firm conviction that because of the lax moral climate, the greatest incentive to homosexuality has been the inculcation of these habits by evil-minded companions. Oftentimes young boys or girls are initiated into this abnormal way of life at an early age. By adolescence, therefore, the habits are fixed, even among youngsters who have no psychological predisposition. And fixed habits are hard to break, even for normal people. The ruination of many lives could be prevented by watchful parents. Once a person has become an habitual homosexual, he needs serious and long-term treatment by a good psychiatrist and a competent confessor.