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Treatise I. Of the Conversion and Penitence of the Blessed Angela of Foligno and of Her Many and Divers Temptations
As I walked (said the Blessed Angela) by the way of penitence, I did take eighteen spiritual steps before I came to know the imperfection of my life.
The first step was that I did begin to reflect upon my sins, the knowledge of which did fill my soul with so great a dread that, fearing to be condemned unto hell, I wept bitterly.
The second was, that I did begin to be so exceeding ashamed of those my sins that for shame I could not fully confess them; wherefore many times did I communicate whilst yet unconfessed and with all my sins did I receive the Body of our Lord. Being day and night reproached by my conscience because of this thing, I did pray the Blessed Francis that he would grant me to discover a confessor meet for my needs, who should be well acquainted with my sins and unto whom I could fully confess myself. In that same night did the Blessed Francis appear unto me and say: "Sister, if thou hadst prayed unto me sooner thy prayer would have been sooner granted; that which thou hast asked hath been done." Upon the next morning, therefore, I went into the church of Saint Francis and found there a friar preaching in Saint Feliciano, which friar was chaplain unto the bishop and did hold his authority; and to him I did determine to make my confession immediately that the sermon should be ended. Wherefore I did confess myself most fully and was absolved of all my sins. And in this confession I did feel no love, but only bitterness, shame, and pain.
The third step was that I did consequently persevere in the performance of the penance imposed upon me, and as yet I was filled with pain and misery without any other consolation.
Fourthly, I did begin to consider and to know the divine mercy which had granted me the aforesaid grace and saved me from hell. Here did I begin to be enlightened and I did now weep and lament more than heretofore, forcing myself to do more severe penance, of the which I will not speak here.
The fifth was that, being thus enlightened, and finding nothing save faults in me, I did condemn myself, as one who knew and was most assuredly convinced that she was worthy of hell; whereat I did again weep bitterly. It must be understood, however, that between the one step and another there was a space of time, and I did ever weep and dolefully lament; and there was nothing else vouchsafed unto me, only I did have some consolation in that I could weep, but truly it was a bitter consolation.
Sixthly, there was given unto me a constant and certain illumination of grace, whereby I was made to know my sins so profoundly that, having offended the Creator, I saw that I had likewise offended the creatures made for me. Therefore I did recall unto my memory all the sins which I had committed and in the confession (which I did make unto the Lord my God) I did most profoundly ponder over them. Wherefore I did beseech all the saints, with the Blessed Virgin, that they would intercede for me, and I did pray the merciful Lord (who had vouchsafed unto me so many good things), that He would have pity upon me, and, seeing that I did know myself to be dead in sin, that He would raise me to life again through His grace. Moreover, I did pray all creatures (seeing how that I had offended them inasmuch as I had offended the Creator), that they would not accuse me before God. Thus did it appear unto me that all creatures and all the saints did have compassion upon me, wherefore with a greater fire of love did I apply myself to praying unto God more than was customary.
The seventh was, that by an especial grace I did begin to gaze upon the Cross, whereon I did behold (as much with the eyes of my heart as with those of my body) Jesus Christ who had died for us, and I did feel great grief at that sight, notwithstanding that this vision and meditation were as yet but little understood of me.
The eighth was, that as I did gaze upon the Cross I was granted a greater understanding how that Christ had died for our sins. Whereupon I did so clearly perceive all mine own sins, and with such exceeding great grief, that I did feel that I myself had crucified the Lord. Nevertheless I did not yet know how great a blessing was the Passion of Christ, nor did I understand as clearly then as I afterwards did, how that He had redeemed me from my sins and converted me unto repentance, and had died for me. In this beholding of the Cross I did so burn with the fire of love and remorse that, standing before the Cross, I did divest myself of everything and did thus offer myself unto Him. And although I feared greatly, I did nevertheless promise to observe perpetual chastity and not to offend with any of my members, accusing my members one by one of past sins. And I did pray Him that He would make me to keep this my promise, that is, to preserve chastity and to keep guard over my thoughts; for upon the one hand I did greatly fear to promise, and upon the other hand the aforesaid fire compelled me, and I had no power to resist.
Ninthly, there was given unto me the desire to seek out and know the way of the Cross, that I might stand at its foot and find refuge there where all sinners find refuge. Unto which end I was enlightened and instructed after this manner: that if I did desire to find the way and come unto the Cross, I must first pardon all those who had offended me, and must then put away from me all earthly things, not only out of mine affections but likewise in very deed, and all men and women, friends and kindred and every other thing, but more especially my possessions must I put away, and even mine own self. And I must give my heart unto Christ (who hath done me such great good), electing to walk upon the thorny path, which is the path of tribulation. So then I did begin to put aside the best clothing and garments which I had and the most delicate food, likewise the covering for my head. But as yet it was a shameful and a hard thing for me to do, seeing that I did not feel much love for God and was living with mine husband. Wherefore was it a bitter thing for me when any offence was said or done unto me, but I did bear it as patiently as I was able. In that time and by God's will there died my mother, who was a great hindrance unto me in following the way of God; my husband died likewise, and in a short time there also died all my children. And because I had commenced to follow the aforesaid way and had prayed God that He would rid me of them, I had great consolation of their deaths, albeit I did also feel some grief. Wherefore, because that God had shown this grace unto me, I did imagine that my heart was in the heart of God and that His will and His heart were in my heart.
Tenthly, seeking to know from God what thing I could do, the which would be most acceptable unto Him, He did of His mercy many times appear unto me, both sleeping and waking, and appearing fastened upon the Cross He did bid me gaze upon His wounds, and in a marvellous manner He did make me to know how that He had borne all things for me; and this happened many times. And when He had showed unto me one by one all the things which He had borne for me, He said, "What canst thou do for Me that will suffice?" Likewise did He appear unto me many times when I was awake, but in a manner more pleasing than when I was asleep (although I did always perceive His great grief and suffering), and He showed unto me the pains of His head and the hairs plucked from His eyebrows and His beard, counting over unto me all His scourgings and showing them unto me in the places where they had been inflicted, saying unto me, "All this was for thee." Then did I most clearly recall unto my memory all my sins, by the which it seemed unto me I had wounded Him afresh and therefore had cause for great lamentation, and I did doubtless feel much more sorrow than before. Thus showing His Passion unto me, He did say, "What canst thou do for Me that will suffice?" Then did I weep and shed such burning tears that they did burn my flesh, wherefore it behoved me to lave it with cold water that it might be cooled.
The eleventh was, that because of my sins I was moved to do penance more severely, of the which it is not meet to speak here. And as I reflected and did oblige myself to wish to do this, it seemed unto me at last that I could not sufficiently do penance the whiles I was possessed of worldly things, wherefore in order the more freely to do this and to come unto the Cross as I had been inspired to do, I did determine most certainly to forsake everything. The which determination was marvellously sent unto me by God after this manner. In mine imagination I did cherish a great desire to become poor, and such was my zeal that ofttimes I did fear to die before I could attain unto this state of poverty. Upon the other hand I was assailed by temptations, the which did whisper unto my thoughts that I was youthful and that begging for alms might lead me into great danger and shame, and that if I did this I should be forced to die of hunger, cold, and nakedness. Moreover all my friends did dissuade me from this thing. But at last the Divine mercy did send a certain great illumination into mine heart, wherefrom I did derive a certain assurance, the which, as I believed then and do believe now, I shall not lose even in eternity. Wherefore I did dispose and determine that, even though I should be forced to die of hunger, cold, and shame, because such a thing was pleasing or might be pleasing unto God — I would by no means leave from my purpose, even though I were certain that these aforesaid evils should befall me, choosing to die willingly for the love of God rather than to fall short of mine intention. So then I did resolve in good earnest.
The twelfth was, that I did afterwards pray unto the Blessed Mother of Christ and the Blessed John the Evangelist that (for the sake of the suffering which they had endured), they would obtain for me a certain sign whereby I might always keep in memory the Passion of Christ.
The thirteenth was, that, persevering in the aforesaid prayers and desires, a dream was granted unto me wherein was showed me the Heart of Christ, and it was told me that in that Heart there is no falsehood, because therein all things are true. And it seemed unto me that this sign was sent because I had mocked at a certain preacher.
The fourteenth was, that being once at prayer, Christ did show Himself unto me as I kept vigil, more clearly and giving me greater knowledge of Himself than heretofore. Then it was that He did set me free, and it was after this manner. Firstly, He did question me; then He did say unto me, "Put thy mouth into the wound in My side." Then methought that I did put it there and did drink the blood which was running freshly from out of His side, and in the doing of this it was given me to know that I was cleansed. And here I did begin to receive great consolation, albeit I grieved when I did meditate upon the Passion. Then I did pray the Lord that He would cause my blood to be shed and poured out for His love's sake, as His had been shed for me, and I did desire that for His love all my members should suffer affliction and death, more vile and more bitter than His Passion. Wherefore I bethought me and did seek to find one who should put me to death, in order that I might suffer for the sake of His faith and love. But I knew that I was not worthy to die as the holy martyrs had died. Nevertheless, I did desire that He would cause me to die, and by a death more vile and more slow, and more bitter. I could not bethink me of a death as vile as I did wish for, or one that would differ from the deaths of the saints — for I did most surely deem myself unworthy of dying their death.
The fifteenth step was that I did fix my mind upon the Virgin Mother of God and upon Saint John, keeping them in my remembrance and praying them that (for the suffering which they had endured because of the Passion of our Lord) they would obtain for me the grace that I should always feel the pain of the Passion or at least of their sufferings. And they did obtain this grace for me in such a degree that one time Saint John did put upon me so great a pain that never did I feel a greater. Then did I perceive that the sufferings of Saint John and of the Mother of Christ (the which they did endure because of the Passion) were in very truth more than martyrdom. Then was it that the desire was given unto me to revile myself with all my might. And although I was much assailed by the devil and ofttimes tempted that I should not do this thing, and was forbidden by the Brothers Minor and by all from whom it was meet I should seek counsel, nevertheless by nothing either of good or of evil that could be done unto me was I prevented from giving all my possessions unto the poor. And if I had been hindered from doing this I would at least have forsaken all things because methought I could not keep any thing for myself without greatly offending Him who did thus enlighten me. Nevertheless I was yet sunk in bitterness because of my sins, neither did I know if the things which I did were pleasing unto God; but with much weeping I cried, saying: "Lord, even though I be condemned, nevertheless will I not cease from doing penance, and I have put away all things from me in order to serve Thee." But being, as I have said, still sunk in bitterness because of my sins and not yet feeling any divine sweetness whatsoever, I was changed out of this state in the manner hereafter written down.
The sixteenth was, that I did come again into the church to ask of God that He would bestow some mercy upon me. And whilst that I was praying and saying the Paternoster, God did implant that Paternoster in mine heart with so clear an understanding of the Divine goodness and mine own unworthiness that I could in no way describe it. Each word was written upon mine heart and I did speak it with great and enduring contrition and compunction. So that, although I wept because of my sins and mine unworthiness (the which I did here perceive), I did nevertheless have great consolation and did begin to taste somewhat of the Divine sweetness, because in the Paternoster I did see the Divine goodness better than in any other thing, and here likewise did I find it best. But because my sins and mine unworthiness were showed unto me in the aforesaid prayer, I did begin to be so greatly ashamed that I did not presume to raise mine eyes either to heaven or to the Crucifix, or any other thing, but did commend myself unto the Blessed Virgin, that she should implore and obtain mercy for me and forgiveness of my sins, seeing that I was yet sunk in the bitterness of sin. Oh, sinners, how beset with difficulties and full of heaviness is the way of the soul unto repentance! How art thou bound with strong chains and thy feet shackled! How evil are thine helpers, or rather they who hinder thee, the world, the flesh, and the devil! Ye must know that I did halt in each one of these aforesaid steps a good space of time before that I was enabled to move from the one unto the other; albeit I did not remain equally long in each, but in some more and in some less time.
Then at the seventeenth step were these things made manifest unto me, that the Blessed Virgin had obtained for me the grace of a more than human faith; wherefore did it seem unto me that until that time my faith had been almost dead, when compared with that which had been newly given unto me. Likewise did it seem unto me that the tears which I had hitherto wept had been shed almost unwillingly when compared with those which I now shed. Wherefore I did now lament for the Passion of Christ and for the sufferings of His Mother more earnestly than I had done before. And now everything which I did, howsoever much or great, did seem unto me but of little account. And I did desire to do greater penance, and I did fill mine whole heart with Christ's Passion, because unto me had been vouchsafed the hope that I might thereby be redeemed. I did now, moreover, begin to find consolation in dreams, for I did have fair and pleasant dreams, so that I was thereby consoled. I did likewise now begin to feel the sweetness and consolation of God within mine heart, and outwardly in my body continually, both sleeping and waking; but because I did not yet feel any assurance, my joy was mingled with bitterness, neither did my heart take any rest, but ever desired further mercies from God.
The eighteenth was, that I did at last begin to have the understanding and the visions and the words of God, and I so greatly delighted in prayer that I did forget to eat. Wherefore did I wish that there were no need for eating, in order that I might be ever at prayer. This desire did occasion a certain temptation not to eat, or, if I did eat, that I should eat but a small quantity. But I perceived this to be a snare; and there was such a great fire of love in mine heart that I did never weary of being upon my knees, or of doing other penance. After this I was filled with a yet greater fire and fervour of Divine love, in such a degree that if I did hear any man speaking of God I did cry aloud, and even had there been one with an axe ready to kill me I could not have refrained. The first time that this happened unto me was when I did sell the little piece of land which was mine to give the money unto the poor (this was the best possession which I had), but in the beginning I did mock at myself for this crying, as one mocketh at Petruccio; then I perceived that I could by no manner of means do otherwise. Wherefore it did ofttimes happen that, hearing God spoken of, I did cry aloud, albeit that I was in the company of other persons, no matter who they might be. And when those persons did say unto me that I was disordered in that I should do such a thing, I did answer that I was sick and overwhelmed, and that I could not do otherwise. Neither could I convince those who spoke evil against me because of this thing, but I did feel greatly ashamed. When I beheld the Passion of Christ painted in a picture I could scarce contain myself, but was seized with a fever and fell into a sickness; for the which reason my companion did hide such pictures of the Passion from me whenever it was possible, in order that I might not behold them. During the times of these cryings I did have many illuminations, understandings, visions, and consolations, of the which several will be written down in the following treatises.
As I walked (said the Blessed Angela) by the way of penitence, I did take eighteen spiritual steps before I came to know the imperfection of my life.
The first step was that I did begin to reflect upon my sins, the knowledge of which did fill my soul with so great a dread that, fearing to be condemned unto hell, I wept bitterly.
The second was, that I did begin to be so exceeding ashamed of those my sins that for shame I could not fully confess them; wherefore many times did I communicate whilst yet unconfessed and with all my sins did I receive the Body of our Lord. Being day and night reproached by my conscience because of this thing, I did pray the Blessed Francis that he would grant me to discover a confessor meet for my needs, who should be well acquainted with my sins and unto whom I could fully confess myself. In that same night did the Blessed Francis appear unto me and say: "Sister, if thou hadst prayed unto me sooner thy prayer would have been sooner granted; that which thou hast asked hath been done." Upon the next morning, therefore, I went into the church of Saint Francis and found there a friar preaching in Saint Feliciano, which friar was chaplain unto the bishop and did hold his authority; and to him I did determine to make my confession immediately that the sermon should be ended. Wherefore I did confess myself most fully and was absolved of all my sins. And in this confession I did feel no love, but only bitterness, shame, and pain.
The third step was that I did consequently persevere in the performance of the penance imposed upon me, and as yet I was filled with pain and misery without any other consolation.
Fourthly, I did begin to consider and to know the divine mercy which had granted me the aforesaid grace and saved me from hell. Here did I begin to be enlightened and I did now weep and lament more than heretofore, forcing myself to do more severe penance, of the which I will not speak here.
The fifth was that, being thus enlightened, and finding nothing save faults in me, I did condemn myself, as one who knew and was most assuredly convinced that she was worthy of hell; whereat I did again weep bitterly. It must be understood, however, that between the one step and another there was a space of time, and I did ever weep and dolefully lament; and there was nothing else vouchsafed unto me, only I did have some consolation in that I could weep, but truly it was a bitter consolation.
Sixthly, there was given unto me a constant and certain illumination of grace, whereby I was made to know my sins so profoundly that, having offended the Creator, I saw that I had likewise offended the creatures made for me. Therefore I did recall unto my memory all the sins which I had committed and in the confession (which I did make unto the Lord my God) I did most profoundly ponder over them. Wherefore I did beseech all the saints, with the Blessed Virgin, that they would intercede for me, and I did pray the merciful Lord (who had vouchsafed unto me so many good things), that He would have pity upon me, and, seeing that I did know myself to be dead in sin, that He would raise me to life again through His grace. Moreover, I did pray all creatures (seeing how that I had offended them inasmuch as I had offended the Creator), that they would not accuse me before God. Thus did it appear unto me that all creatures and all the saints did have compassion upon me, wherefore with a greater fire of love did I apply myself to praying unto God more than was customary.
The seventh was, that by an especial grace I did begin to gaze upon the Cross, whereon I did behold (as much with the eyes of my heart as with those of my body) Jesus Christ who had died for us, and I did feel great grief at that sight, notwithstanding that this vision and meditation were as yet but little understood of me.
The eighth was, that as I did gaze upon the Cross I was granted a greater understanding how that Christ had died for our sins. Whereupon I did so clearly perceive all mine own sins, and with such exceeding great grief, that I did feel that I myself had crucified the Lord. Nevertheless I did not yet know how great a blessing was the Passion of Christ, nor did I understand as clearly then as I afterwards did, how that He had redeemed me from my sins and converted me unto repentance, and had died for me. In this beholding of the Cross I did so burn with the fire of love and remorse that, standing before the Cross, I did divest myself of everything and did thus offer myself unto Him. And although I feared greatly, I did nevertheless promise to observe perpetual chastity and not to offend with any of my members, accusing my members one by one of past sins. And I did pray Him that He would make me to keep this my promise, that is, to preserve chastity and to keep guard over my thoughts; for upon the one hand I did greatly fear to promise, and upon the other hand the aforesaid fire compelled me, and I had no power to resist.
Ninthly, there was given unto me the desire to seek out and know the way of the Cross, that I might stand at its foot and find refuge there where all sinners find refuge. Unto which end I was enlightened and instructed after this manner: that if I did desire to find the way and come unto the Cross, I must first pardon all those who had offended me, and must then put away from me all earthly things, not only out of mine affections but likewise in very deed, and all men and women, friends and kindred and every other thing, but more especially my possessions must I put away, and even mine own self. And I must give my heart unto Christ (who hath done me such great good), electing to walk upon the thorny path, which is the path of tribulation. So then I did begin to put aside the best clothing and garments which I had and the most delicate food, likewise the covering for my head. But as yet it was a shameful and a hard thing for me to do, seeing that I did not feel much love for God and was living with mine husband. Wherefore was it a bitter thing for me when any offence was said or done unto me, but I did bear it as patiently as I was able. In that time and by God's will there died my mother, who was a great hindrance unto me in following the way of God; my husband died likewise, and in a short time there also died all my children. And because I had commenced to follow the aforesaid way and had prayed God that He would rid me of them, I had great consolation of their deaths, albeit I did also feel some grief. Wherefore, because that God had shown this grace unto me, I did imagine that my heart was in the heart of God and that His will and His heart were in my heart.
Tenthly, seeking to know from God what thing I could do, the which would be most acceptable unto Him, He did of His mercy many times appear unto me, both sleeping and waking, and appearing fastened upon the Cross He did bid me gaze upon His wounds, and in a marvellous manner He did make me to know how that He had borne all things for me; and this happened many times. And when He had showed unto me one by one all the things which He had borne for me, He said, "What canst thou do for Me that will suffice?" Likewise did He appear unto me many times when I was awake, but in a manner more pleasing than when I was asleep (although I did always perceive His great grief and suffering), and He showed unto me the pains of His head and the hairs plucked from His eyebrows and His beard, counting over unto me all His scourgings and showing them unto me in the places where they had been inflicted, saying unto me, "All this was for thee." Then did I most clearly recall unto my memory all my sins, by the which it seemed unto me I had wounded Him afresh and therefore had cause for great lamentation, and I did doubtless feel much more sorrow than before. Thus showing His Passion unto me, He did say, "What canst thou do for Me that will suffice?" Then did I weep and shed such burning tears that they did burn my flesh, wherefore it behoved me to lave it with cold water that it might be cooled.
The eleventh was, that because of my sins I was moved to do penance more severely, of the which it is not meet to speak here. And as I reflected and did oblige myself to wish to do this, it seemed unto me at last that I could not sufficiently do penance the whiles I was possessed of worldly things, wherefore in order the more freely to do this and to come unto the Cross as I had been inspired to do, I did determine most certainly to forsake everything. The which determination was marvellously sent unto me by God after this manner. In mine imagination I did cherish a great desire to become poor, and such was my zeal that ofttimes I did fear to die before I could attain unto this state of poverty. Upon the other hand I was assailed by temptations, the which did whisper unto my thoughts that I was youthful and that begging for alms might lead me into great danger and shame, and that if I did this I should be forced to die of hunger, cold, and nakedness. Moreover all my friends did dissuade me from this thing. But at last the Divine mercy did send a certain great illumination into mine heart, wherefrom I did derive a certain assurance, the which, as I believed then and do believe now, I shall not lose even in eternity. Wherefore I did dispose and determine that, even though I should be forced to die of hunger, cold, and shame, because such a thing was pleasing or might be pleasing unto God — I would by no means leave from my purpose, even though I were certain that these aforesaid evils should befall me, choosing to die willingly for the love of God rather than to fall short of mine intention. So then I did resolve in good earnest.
The twelfth was, that I did afterwards pray unto the Blessed Mother of Christ and the Blessed John the Evangelist that (for the sake of the suffering which they had endured), they would obtain for me a certain sign whereby I might always keep in memory the Passion of Christ.
The thirteenth was, that, persevering in the aforesaid prayers and desires, a dream was granted unto me wherein was showed me the Heart of Christ, and it was told me that in that Heart there is no falsehood, because therein all things are true. And it seemed unto me that this sign was sent because I had mocked at a certain preacher.
The fourteenth was, that being once at prayer, Christ did show Himself unto me as I kept vigil, more clearly and giving me greater knowledge of Himself than heretofore. Then it was that He did set me free, and it was after this manner. Firstly, He did question me; then He did say unto me, "Put thy mouth into the wound in My side." Then methought that I did put it there and did drink the blood which was running freshly from out of His side, and in the doing of this it was given me to know that I was cleansed. And here I did begin to receive great consolation, albeit I grieved when I did meditate upon the Passion. Then I did pray the Lord that He would cause my blood to be shed and poured out for His love's sake, as His had been shed for me, and I did desire that for His love all my members should suffer affliction and death, more vile and more bitter than His Passion. Wherefore I bethought me and did seek to find one who should put me to death, in order that I might suffer for the sake of His faith and love. But I knew that I was not worthy to die as the holy martyrs had died. Nevertheless, I did desire that He would cause me to die, and by a death more vile and more slow, and more bitter. I could not bethink me of a death as vile as I did wish for, or one that would differ from the deaths of the saints — for I did most surely deem myself unworthy of dying their death.
The fifteenth step was that I did fix my mind upon the Virgin Mother of God and upon Saint John, keeping them in my remembrance and praying them that (for the suffering which they had endured because of the Passion of our Lord) they would obtain for me the grace that I should always feel the pain of the Passion or at least of their sufferings. And they did obtain this grace for me in such a degree that one time Saint John did put upon me so great a pain that never did I feel a greater. Then did I perceive that the sufferings of Saint John and of the Mother of Christ (the which they did endure because of the Passion) were in very truth more than martyrdom. Then was it that the desire was given unto me to revile myself with all my might. And although I was much assailed by the devil and ofttimes tempted that I should not do this thing, and was forbidden by the Brothers Minor and by all from whom it was meet I should seek counsel, nevertheless by nothing either of good or of evil that could be done unto me was I prevented from giving all my possessions unto the poor. And if I had been hindered from doing this I would at least have forsaken all things because methought I could not keep any thing for myself without greatly offending Him who did thus enlighten me. Nevertheless I was yet sunk in bitterness because of my sins, neither did I know if the things which I did were pleasing unto God; but with much weeping I cried, saying: "Lord, even though I be condemned, nevertheless will I not cease from doing penance, and I have put away all things from me in order to serve Thee." But being, as I have said, still sunk in bitterness because of my sins and not yet feeling any divine sweetness whatsoever, I was changed out of this state in the manner hereafter written down.
The sixteenth was, that I did come again into the church to ask of God that He would bestow some mercy upon me. And whilst that I was praying and saying the Paternoster, God did implant that Paternoster in mine heart with so clear an understanding of the Divine goodness and mine own unworthiness that I could in no way describe it. Each word was written upon mine heart and I did speak it with great and enduring contrition and compunction. So that, although I wept because of my sins and mine unworthiness (the which I did here perceive), I did nevertheless have great consolation and did begin to taste somewhat of the Divine sweetness, because in the Paternoster I did see the Divine goodness better than in any other thing, and here likewise did I find it best. But because my sins and mine unworthiness were showed unto me in the aforesaid prayer, I did begin to be so greatly ashamed that I did not presume to raise mine eyes either to heaven or to the Crucifix, or any other thing, but did commend myself unto the Blessed Virgin, that she should implore and obtain mercy for me and forgiveness of my sins, seeing that I was yet sunk in the bitterness of sin. Oh, sinners, how beset with difficulties and full of heaviness is the way of the soul unto repentance! How art thou bound with strong chains and thy feet shackled! How evil are thine helpers, or rather they who hinder thee, the world, the flesh, and the devil! Ye must know that I did halt in each one of these aforesaid steps a good space of time before that I was enabled to move from the one unto the other; albeit I did not remain equally long in each, but in some more and in some less time.
Then at the seventeenth step were these things made manifest unto me, that the Blessed Virgin had obtained for me the grace of a more than human faith; wherefore did it seem unto me that until that time my faith had been almost dead, when compared with that which had been newly given unto me. Likewise did it seem unto me that the tears which I had hitherto wept had been shed almost unwillingly when compared with those which I now shed. Wherefore I did now lament for the Passion of Christ and for the sufferings of His Mother more earnestly than I had done before. And now everything which I did, howsoever much or great, did seem unto me but of little account. And I did desire to do greater penance, and I did fill mine whole heart with Christ's Passion, because unto me had been vouchsafed the hope that I might thereby be redeemed. I did now, moreover, begin to find consolation in dreams, for I did have fair and pleasant dreams, so that I was thereby consoled. I did likewise now begin to feel the sweetness and consolation of God within mine heart, and outwardly in my body continually, both sleeping and waking; but because I did not yet feel any assurance, my joy was mingled with bitterness, neither did my heart take any rest, but ever desired further mercies from God.
The eighteenth was, that I did at last begin to have the understanding and the visions and the words of God, and I so greatly delighted in prayer that I did forget to eat. Wherefore did I wish that there were no need for eating, in order that I might be ever at prayer. This desire did occasion a certain temptation not to eat, or, if I did eat, that I should eat but a small quantity. But I perceived this to be a snare; and there was such a great fire of love in mine heart that I did never weary of being upon my knees, or of doing other penance. After this I was filled with a yet greater fire and fervour of Divine love, in such a degree that if I did hear any man speaking of God I did cry aloud, and even had there been one with an axe ready to kill me I could not have refrained. The first time that this happened unto me was when I did sell the little piece of land which was mine to give the money unto the poor (this was the best possession which I had), but in the beginning I did mock at myself for this crying, as one mocketh at Petruccio; then I perceived that I could by no manner of means do otherwise. Wherefore it did ofttimes happen that, hearing God spoken of, I did cry aloud, albeit that I was in the company of other persons, no matter who they might be. And when those persons did say unto me that I was disordered in that I should do such a thing, I did answer that I was sick and overwhelmed, and that I could not do otherwise. Neither could I convince those who spoke evil against me because of this thing, but I did feel greatly ashamed. When I beheld the Passion of Christ painted in a picture I could scarce contain myself, but was seized with a fever and fell into a sickness; for the which reason my companion did hide such pictures of the Passion from me whenever it was possible, in order that I might not behold them. During the times of these cryings I did have many illuminations, understandings, visions, and consolations, of the which several will be written down in the following treatises.
"So let us be confident, let us not be unprepared, let us not be outflanked, let us be wise, vigilant, fighting against those who are trying to tear the faith out of our souls and morality out of our hearts, so that we may remain Catholics, remain united to the Blessed Virgin Mary, remain united to the Roman Catholic Church, remain faithful children of the Church."- Abp. Lefebvre